Breakdown
by AFH
Summary: [Seabird][Hawk's POV] Hawk is trying get rid of his insecurities by pushing his limits.


**Warning: This fiction has the eating-disorder Anorexia as a topic. Don't come yelling at me if I hurt/offend you.  
Disclaimer: I do not own A.T.O.M. so I don't make money writing this fic (heck, I'd write more if I did get payed!) **

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I know she didn't mean it.. that she was joking.. but still, it hit a certain spot in me..  
_"Hey Hawk, had too many burgers?" _  
A spot that I hoped no-one would ever find.. I've worked so hard protecting it from the world.. but she found it.  
_"You should watch it before you can't get in your gear again!" _  
I wished I was able to take it all less seriously. I wished I didn't have to go through all this again.

I wish I was as secure of myself as I pretend to be.

_'Just one week.'_ I had said to myself, _'Just one week won't do any harm'_  
But one week became two weeks, two weeks became three weeks, three weeks became a month..  
And my friends? They didn't notice. I've had some practice in hiding it from others before. I just stayed out of their way and tried to avoid normal dinnertimes as much as possible. And if I did end up eating at the same time as them.. well.. I just got rid of it afterwards.

It was all so easy.. especially because the MuTeam hadn't shown up during that period of time and I didn't need to go out to fight.. I was completely aware that if I did have to fight, I'd never stand a chance in my current condition.

I was able to keep it up for over a month, until it finally went wrong. I suddenly lost consciousness while we were just walking down the street. A completely random moment for crying out loud! I tried to blame it on the temperature, on the soft drink, on anything around us, but they all knew better now. They suddenly realized that my skin tone didn't have anything to do with how much time I spent in the sun, that my low energy level wasn't caused by stopping to drink coffee.

Lioness felt responsible, King felt sickened, Axel felt rotten and Shark felt like crying. How I felt? Well, dying is a good description. But there's one thing we, or at least them, all agreed on. I needed help, and I needed it now. I didn't feel like seeing a doctor at first. He'd probably get my old documents out and tell everyone about my medical past. Lucky for me, he wanted to see me alone. He spoke out what I was expecting him to say, but still, it made me shiver.

_"You have an eating-disorder, Anorexia Nervosa to be precise."_

I shook my head in disagreement. I pushed my hands against my ears so I didn't have to hear those words. Not again. NOT AGAIN!

_"I've read in your documents that you've been having this disorder before. That means I'll have to send you to someone who's specialized in mental disorders.. "_

I started to yell at him, trying to convince him I wasn't mentally ill, that I wasn't crazy, that I didn't need a psychiatrist to look after me and ask how I felt and if I wanted to talk about it and what I saw in stupid ink spots! I didn't want to go through all this again! Last time, it took me a year to get back on track!

The man behind the desk didn't react on my rage, and I finally sulked back into the wooden chair. He said that he would inform my friends about the disorder and the treatment, and simply sent me home. I spent the rest of the day locking myself up in my room, trying to ignore my friends begging for me to come out and talk to them.

They gave up at around midnight, and I gave in three hours later. I was looking at the wall full of pictures of myself, and it sickened me. It sickened me to see my ugly face everywhere, it sickened me that I had constantly fooled myself, that this.. this _moron_ was me!

And that was the moment I snapped. I started screaming at the photos, ripping them off the wall and throwing them down, breaking the glass and the frames. Soon, the floor around my feet was covered with broken pieces of glass and wood. At first I didn't notice I was bleeding, and didn't notice that King had burst through the door. It was when Axel pulled me away from the wall and Lioness held my hands that my anger got replaced by sadness.

I don't know how long we stood there, and how they'd moved me to the living room.. the moment between the crying and finally drying my tears didn't reach my mind. I was too busy taking long, deep breaths and hating myself and my past. After many suiting words, I blurted every single bit of my self-hatred out to them. I told them about the long years of being bullied because of my hair color, about how I developed Anorexia for the first time when I was fourteen years old, about how Bogey had once taken advantage of me and later said that I had asked for it to happen, and as last but definitely not least, my sexuality. I practically yelled it out. I am gay, I prefer men over women, and I was ashamed of it.

The moment after those last words was filled with silence. I looked up to my friends, and I swear I was waiting for crickets to start chirping to complete the scene. Shark was the only one who reacted differently. He didn't look at me in amazement or shock. No, he smiled at me! He smiled at me with a twinkle in his eyes and actually started laughing! I will always remember the words he spoke after he stopped laughing.

_"That means I'm not the only one of the gang!"_

I blinked a few times and before I realized it, he was hugging me and the others... well, they acted normal. Shark took my face in his hands and looked deep into my eyes.

_"Now that's out, we can start working on your health, okay?"_

I nodded.

_"Good, because I like you better with some more meat on your bones!"_

He softly pressed his lips on mine, making me blush furiously. A few minutes ago, I hated myself for feeling this way. Now, I wished I had accepted it much sooner.

It took me a couple of months to get to my old weight again. I feel much better now I don't have anything to hide any more. With my friends around me, I can deal with _anything_!

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